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Funny And Profound Chinese Proverbs

Posted on 04. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

Ok, these are not actual Chinese proverbs (I checked), so let’s just call them Hollywood stereotyped Chinese proverbs. (Pretty sure you can imagine Mr Miyagi saying one of these to karate kid!)

1. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
2. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
3. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
4. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
5. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
6. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
   
7. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
8. Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
9. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
10. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
11. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
12. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
13. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
14. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
15. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
16. Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
17. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
18. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Spider Man Gaining Some Wait

Posted on 04. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

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Self Confidence

Posted on 04. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.

As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello’s and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.”

She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”

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Who Said That ?

Posted on 03. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. Pedro was very proud to be an American.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’ “

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?”
Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!”
Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted “Duck!”
Teacher, just waking, asked “Who said that?”
Pedro: “Dick Cheney 2006!”

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A Women’s Mind

Posted on 03. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

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Don’t Conceal Facts From Friends

Posted on 03. Dec, 2008 by Laughitout.

A carload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?

The hunter said, “Sure” and headed for the car.

Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!”

A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, “I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!”

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